Books & Resources
A running list of the books I find myself recommending most, both to clients and to anyone doing this kind of work. Some speak to recovery directly. Others are about the life you're building around it.
On sexual addiction and recovery
Facing the Shadows (Patrick Carnes) One of the most comprehensive workbooks on treating sexual addiction. It's likely that I'll encourage you to buy this book if we end up working together. It helps you examine your story and your addictive behavior, and it provides practical solutions that help turn acting out into a thing of the past.
Facing Codependence (Pia Mellody) A foundational look at how the patterns we learned in childhood, around boundaries, self-worth, and taking care of our own needs, follow us into adulthood and into our relationships. Mellody traces so much of our adult struggle back to what happened, or didn't happen, growing up. Whether you're the one acting out or the partner trying to make sense of it, this book helps explain the ground the behavior grows in.
The Spirituality of Imperfection (Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham) Drawing on the wisdom of recovery and centuries of spiritual storytelling, this book makes a quietly radical case: that wholeness is found not by becoming perfect, but by accepting that we never will be. For anyone worn down by the exhausting project of trying to be good enough, it offers a different and more durable kind of hope.
On habits, focus, and the rhythm of life
Atomic Habits (James Clear) A robust overview of how habits are formed and maintained. I once asked another therapist what single book he'd recommend to clients to help them live a fruitful life, and he said this one. Applied in your life, it will help you get one percent better every day.
Essentialism (Greg McKeown) One concept from this book has stuck with me: if it's not a "hell yes," then it's a "no." A challenge many of my clients face is figuring out how to fit recovery into an already full life. Essentialism is a helpful guide for evaluating your current priorities and deciding what actually deserves your energy.
The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry (John Mark Comer) So many of our problems stem from our capacity to be hurried. The military has a saying, "slow is smooth and smooth is fast." This book is a Christian exploration of the meaning of sabbath and rest, and it offers practical strategies for finding rest in your own life.
On shame, self-compassion, and the inner world
Self-Compassion (Kristin Neff) Neff's research shows that the harsh inner critic most of us carry doesn't actually make us better. It usually keeps us stuck. Self-compassion, treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend, turns out to be a far more reliable engine for change than shame. For men whose acting out is fueled by self-contempt, this book offers a way forward that doesn't depend on beating yourself up harder.
The Power of Vulnerability (Brené Brown, audio) Brown has spent her career studying shame and vulnerability, and this recorded talk is the most accessible entry point to her work. Her central finding lands directly on recovery: that vulnerability, the willingness to be seen, isn't weakness but the doorway to courage and real connection. If shame and secrecy are part of your story, this one is worth a listen.
Mindsight (Daniel Siegel) Siegel, a psychiatrist, explains in plain terms what happens in the brain when we're overwhelmed, and how we can build the capacity to notice and steady our own inner world rather than be run by it. It's a practical education in the "why" behind a lot of what we do in the room together.
On meaning and living a better story
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (Donald Miller) After being asked to turn his life into a movie, Miller starts wondering what actually makes a story worth telling, and then whether his own life is one. The result is a warm, funny meditation on living a better story on purpose. For anyone in recovery, it reframes the work as not just stopping something, but building a life worth being present for.
Man's Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl) Written by a psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps, this classic argues that meaning, not comfort, is what sustains us through suffering. Frankl's core insight, that we can't always choose our circumstances but we can always choose our response to them, is bedrock for anyone facing a hard road. It's a short book that tends to stay with people for life.
